oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
It was confusing and full of hummus
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
