3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My vagina is very pro this idea
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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