and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
