Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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