M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Ladies don't puke and tell
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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