when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
