If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You took a bar mat shot.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
