Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
