The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻‍♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize