You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
