I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
