Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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