Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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