did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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