Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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