sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
