Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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