i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
