Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize