apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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