I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
