I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
