I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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