Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
