If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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