I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
