I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
