I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It's official drugs can't kill me
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
