This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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