just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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