Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
