she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
