All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
