Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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