I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
