i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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