So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
i think my cat just said my name.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
