Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
