I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The air was thick with penises
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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