i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
