He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
