I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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