Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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