I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
