Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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