Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
