I need to stop coming to work sober
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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