apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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