If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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