we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
