when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
