I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
