Just fell off a train. Bad.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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