You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
