Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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