Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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